When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 8:00pm is the new midnight.
It’s the start of a brand new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
When I say “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
When you ask me what I’m doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free to help you, it just means I am doing nothing.
I finally got eight hours of sleep. 3 hours Monday, 3 hours Tuesday, and 2 hours Wednesday.
I run like the winded.
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”
I don’t mean to interrupt people, I just randomly remember things and get really excited.
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head, and that’ll freak you out.
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.
My luck is like a bald guy that just won a comb.