Old Granny Parkinson had won over half a million dollars in the lottery,

but as she was a frail little woman her family was concerned that the shock of hearing the news might prove too much for her.

Accordingly, they called in the family doctor to ask his advice.

“I’ll tell her if you like,” said the doctor. “I’ll lead up to it gradually.”

The family accepted his offer gratefully, and showed him into the old lady’s bedroom.

The doctor pretended to give her a routine examination and then began to chat generally of this and that, carefully leading the conversation ‘round to money.

“Tell me Mrs. Parkinson,” he said, “what would you do if you suddenly came into half a million dollars?”

“Half a million?” said the old lady reflectively, “well you’ve always been very good to me, doctor, so I think I’d give half of it to you.”

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One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.

They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.

“I’m pregnant, Mom”

Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.

“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed

“It happened during a school project…”

Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.

“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.

We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.

“Okay… I see where this is going.

But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”

Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:

“I don’t know mom, it was a group project

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Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued.

“You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry.

On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

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A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.

She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl,

“Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said,

“I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies.

The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

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A man ordered a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car,

“Car! Go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and with no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said,

“These are your children, sir.”

In the car, were their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’ two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbour’s two sons.

The wife who was angry shouted at her husband,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children!”

The man asked her calmly,

“Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?”

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A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

“I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn’t have your seat belt fastened.”

The man said, “I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.”

The Patrol Man said to the man’s wife, “I know he didn’t have his seatbelt fastened. Isn’t that right, lady?”

She replied,

“Well, officer.

I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he’s drunk”

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,

decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.

Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.

“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes

she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

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A blonde was walking her dogs when a man walking in the opposite direction says

“oh my, you have such beautiful dogs.. what are their names?”

The blonde replies

“Well, the taller one is Timex and the shorter one is Rolex.”

The man responds

“Huh.. that’s interesting.. why did you name them such names?”

The blonde sighs and shakes her head.

“Everyone keeps asking me the same thing…

duhh, what else can you name your watch dogs??”

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A boy comes back from school, disappointed, because he got a 0 on a geography exam.

“The teacher gave me a zero because I couldn’t answer a question on Portugal,” he said.

His mother asked, “What was the question?”

“Where’s Portugal.”

“The idiot teacher, I’m going to call the principal’s office. In the meantime we’re going to find where Portugal is.”

She gets a map of the state and can’t find Portugal. Then she gets a map of the region and still can’t find Portugal. She gets a map of the city and can’t find Portugal.

“I swear Portugal can’t be far.

The maid is from Portugal and she comes here to work everyday on her bicycle.”

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An older, white-haired man walked into a jewellery store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side.

He told the jeweller he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweller looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring.

The old man said, “No, I’d like to see something much more special.”

The jeweller went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back.

“This one’s $40,000.”

The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her wh*le body trembled with excitement.

The old man said, “I’ll take it!”

The jeweller asked how payment would be made, and the old man said,

“By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now, and you can call the bank on
Monday to verify funds. I’ll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon.”

Monday morning, the jeweller called the old man saying,

“There’s no money in that account!”

The old man said, “I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!”

All The Organs Of The Body Were Having A Meeting

All the organs of the body were having a meeting,

trying to decide who was the one in charge……

“I should be in charge,” said the brain ,

“Because I run all the body’s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum And insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,

the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood Was toxic.

They all decided that the rectum should be the boss

The Moral of the story?

Even though the others do all the work…. The ass hole is usually in charge

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