One day, Emma came home and asked her mother, Sarah, to speak in private.

They sat down in the kitchen, and Emma took a deep breath before she spoke.

“I’m pregnant, Mom”

Sarah couldn’t believe what she was hearing, her eyes were wide open and she couldn’t calm down.

“WHAT?! How could this happen?!” she exclaimed

“It happened during a school project…”

Emma looked nervously at her mother and tried to explain.

“Well… It happened while working on a school project for our Life Orientation class.

We were experimenting with how life begins. You know how children are born and such,” said Ida.

“Okay… I see where this is going.

But who’s the father? We must contact him at once Emma!”

Her daughter, with a regretful look on her face, answered:

“I don’t know mom, it was a group project

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Fred came home from University in tears. “Mum, am I adopted?”

“No of course not”, replied his mother. Why would you think such a thing?

Fred showed her his genealogy DNA test results. No match for any of his relatives, and strong matches for a family who lived the other side of the city.

Perturbed, his mother called her husband. “Honey, Fred has done a DNA test, and… and… I don’t know how to say this… he may not be our son.”

“Well, obviously!” he replied.

“What do you mean?”

“It was your idea in the first place” her husband continued.

“You remember, that first night in hospital when the baby did nothing but scream and cry and scream and cry.

On and on. And you asked me to change him.”

“I picked a good one I reckon. Ever so proud of Fred.”

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A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket.

She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl,

“Nothing but the best for my little kitten.”

The girl at the cash register said,

“I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.

The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies.

The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food.

Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog. She was then given the dog cookies.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.

The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her.

So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, “That smells like crap.”

The little old lady grinned from ear to ear,

“Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?”

Never fool around with a Little old lady!

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A man ordered a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car,

“Car! Go and bring my children from school.”

The car went and didn’t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and with no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said,

“These are your children, sir.”

In the car, were their Landlady’s two daughters, their choir mistress’ two sons, his wife’s best friend’s daughter, their pastor’s son and their neighbour’s two sons.

The wife who was angry shouted at her husband,

“Don’t tell me all these are your children!”

The man asked her calmly,

“Can you first tell me why our children are not in the car?”

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A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said,

“I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn’t have your seat belt fastened.”

The man said, “I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.”

The Patrol Man said to the man’s wife, “I know he didn’t have his seatbelt fastened. Isn’t that right, lady?”

She replied,

“Well, officer.

I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he’s drunk”

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A woman, cranky because her husband was late coming home again,

decided to leave a note, saying, “I’ve had enough and have left you.

Don’t bother coming after me.”

Then she hide under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, the husband comes home and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

“She’s finally gone…yeah I know, about bloody time, I’m coming to see you, put on that sexy French nightie.

I love you…can’t wait to see you…we’ll do all the naughty things you like.

“He hung up, grabbed his keys and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes

she grabbed the note to see what he wrote…

“I can see your feet. We’re outta bread: be back in five minutes.

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A nun in the convent walked into the bathroom where mother superior was taking a shower.

“There is a blind man to see you,” she says.

“Well, if he is a blind man, than it does not matter if I’m in the shower.

Send him in.”

The blind man walks into the bathroom, and mother superior starts to tell him how much she appreciates him working at the convent for them.

She goes on and on and 10 minutes later the man interrupts: “That’s nice and all, ma’am, but you can put your clothes on now.

Where do you want me to put these blinds.

While watching TV with his wife

While watching TV with his wife, a man tosses peanuts into the air and catches them in his mouth.

Just as he throws another peanut into the air, the front door opens, causing him to turn his head.

The peanut falls into his ear and gets stuck.

His daughter comes in with her date.

The man explains the situation, and the daughter’s date says,

“I can get the peanut out.”

He tells the father to sit down, shoves two fingers into the father’s nose, and tells him to blow hard.

The father blows, and the peanut flies out of his ear.

After the daughter takes her date to the kitchen for something to eat, the mother turns to the father and says,

“Isn’t he smart? I wonder what he plans to be.”

The father says, “From the smell of his fingers,

I’d say our son-in-law

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A blonde is swimming in a river.

A man walks up and asks her, “What are you doing in there?”

She says, “I’m washing my clothes.”

The man asks, “Why don’t you use a washing machine?”

The blonde says, “I tried that, but it was too dizzy.”

A Lady Finds Out That She Is Pregnant

A lady finds out that she is pregnant, but she is worried.

He husband has anger management issues, yelling a lot, breaking things, really horrible to be around. She doesn’t want her kids to be like that, so she asks her doctor for advice. Her doctor says “Rub your belly once a day every day and say ‘Be polite, be polite.’ “

So she starts doing so. But as the pregnancy goes on, her husband’s attitude gets worse. Instead of supporting her he gets more angry, more often, being super rude ask the time and really stressing her out. She starts to rub her belly more and more often. Instead of once a day it becomes two times, three times, ten times, a hundred, till she is almost constantly rubbing and reciting “be polite, be polite, be polite.”

The due date arrives, no sign of the birth. A few days pass, not a contraction to be felt. Weeks turn into months, months turn into years, no baby is born. Eventually she dies at the ripe old age of 92. The medical examiner conducting her autopsy cuts open her belly and discoverers two identical middle-aged men saying “After you, ” “No, no, after you.”

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A 92 year old man went to the doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asked the man how he was feeling, and the 92 year old said, “Things are great, and I’ve never felt better!”

“I now have a 20 year old bride who is pregnant with my child.”

“What do you think about that, doc?”

The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began to tell a story.

“I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.”

“One day he was setting off to go hunting, but being a bit absent minded, he accidentally forgot to take his ammunition.”

“As he neared a lake, he came across a very nice beaver frolicking at the water’s edge.”

“By now, he realized he had left his ammo at home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature.”

“Nonetheless, he lifted his favorite hunting rifle, aimed down the sites, and yelled ‘bang bang’.”

“Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver was slain.”

“Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.

Theelder man scatched his chin thoughtfully, then said, “Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”

The doctor nodded,

“My thoughts exactly.”

A Man Goes Doctor’S Office To Get Double Dose Of Viagra

A man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn’t allow him a double dose.

“Why not?” asked the man.

“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.

“But I need it really bad,” said the man.

“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.

The man said, “My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday.

My ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday.

Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”

The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you,

but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”

On Monday, the man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”

The man said, “No one showed up.”

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April was explaining to her husband how much fun they’d had at the beach during her “girls day” outing.

“But,” she told him, “It didn’t end all that great for me.”

“Why, what happened?” he asked.

“I went out to take a swim in the rough water but I didn’t go out far because the waves were very bad.

Then I suddenly noticed that all the turbulence had caused the lower half of my bikini to be stripped off.

I looked and looked for it but it was gone, gone, gone!”

“For goodness sakes, sweetie, what did you do?”

“Do? Why I did what any respectable female would do,…

… I covered my face and eyes with my hands and ran to the beach house as fast as I could.”

Last Year A Guy Took His Blonde Girl Friend To The Superbowl

They had great seats right behind their team’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t

understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was…

‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’

I’m like…Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

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